Hospital Diaries
by hochrami
Summary: Shepard survives the destruction of the Reapers, and is found in the rubble on the Citadel. These works find him recovering in an undisclosed hospital and using the time to work through more than just the physical recovery he needs. MShep, Adept, Paragon, Shepley. Diary format chosen because I'm writing this as stream of consciousness, so I think that fits best.
1. Chapter 1

The star child lied.

I suspected as much.

They say that the best lies are wrapped up in truth, but I still had to gamble that my gut was right.

The catalyst told me that the created would always rebel against it's creators. I suspected this was, at least from the perspective of this AI, true. The Leviathan told me their creation had rebelled against them, betrayed them, and this was the creation they spoke of. But I'd seen the Geth and the Quarians work together, come to genuine peace as 2 disparate races, so I knew we could do better.

It told me it embodied the collective intelligence of the reapers. I suspected this was also true, and based on what I'd seen of the Reapers and the reaper indoctrination, this told me I couldn't trust much that this AI said.

It told me that I was the first organic ever to make it this far and that I had presented new options. Well, there's a Prothean in my crew that vouched for them never making it here, so ok, we'll go with this one.

Then there were some other things it said. It said that the Crucible appeared largely intact, but that the blast would not be constrained to the reapers. All synthetic life would die. It even pointed out that I'm partly synthetic. Then it said that technology we rely on would be effected, but those that survive should have little difficulty repairing the damage. The blast would take down the reapers and destroy them, but not actually destroy our tech. That told me there was a difference between this eons old AI and our modern tech. I wasn't sure if I could believe this but I didn't see that I had much choice.

It told me about my other options, that I could control the reapers myself, or combine organic and synthetic life into one species that would exist in peace. The line about me already being partially synthetic made sense now.

I had to think fast. The war was still raging around me and I knew time was short.

Saren evangelized saving the galaxy through synthesis. Upgrades he called them, but he was a tool of the Reapers, indoctrinated into believing what they wanted him to believe.

The Illusive Man wanted to control the Reapers, and believed he had, and that clearly turned out well for him. You could practically hear the desire for "control them" dripping off the tongue of that damn program like it was honey, too.

I knew destroying them was the only option. The galaxy would never be safe otherwise.

In 3 years, I've not made a more difficult decision than I did in considering the idea that I could destroy the Reapers, but would potentially kill EDI and the Geth in the process, what with both of them having Reaper code in their programs and robotic platforms carrying them. I chose to believe that the catalyst had been lying about this part. I trusted that whatever kill switch was being triggered in the reapers didn't exist in our synthetics, and kept pulling the trigger, each step seeming to empower me. I pulled it for Thane. I pulled it for Anderson. I pulled it for Legion. I heard the cacophonous explosion and everything went black.

I'm told they found me in the rubble on the Citadel. I still don't know how I survived, but then, I was dead once before, too.

Hackett tells me that we can rebuild everything that was damaged or destroyed. The force that built the Crucible is already working on the relays. Thanks to QEC technology, we're in communication with all the major worlds, and every species is sending teams to check on any colonies that have been cut off from the rest of the galaxy. Things are bad, but the threat of the Reapers is gone, so everyone is smiling. They'll survive, and that's enough. We lost a lot of people, a lot of good people, and everyone is working to make sure that their sacrifices weren't in vain.

Dr. Chakwas has left the Normandy to take up station as my doctor. Joker came to see me a couple days ago to tell me that the pulse from the Crucible knocked out EDI's systems and the mobile platform, but that she was still in the Normandy's computers once the old girl was repaired and is now repairing herself. Apparently she keeps backups. He's still upset about losing the sexy robot body, though. He wouldn't say so, but I suspect he's got it hidden in the bowels of the ship somewhere in hopes that she can come up with a way to get it running again. The Geth, too, managed to survive, but the Quarians are having to repair the damage done to their bodies by the Crucible. Garrus, Liara, Tali, James, Steve, my whole team… they've all been paying me regular visits. Miranda and Oriana have some peace now that their father is gone. Zaeed still hasn't taken off that armor, but he's finally retired and doing some fishing.

Ash comes every day. She brought me that book of Tennyson poems, and reads to me when she can't think of anything else to say. Every poem comes with a story. It's hard for her, I know. I'm just glad she's here. I've spent the last 3 years sacrificing for the good of the galaxy, but now that the Reapers are defeated, I'm glad to know that I've got somebody to go home to when I get out of this hospital. It's time I sat down.


	2. Chapter 2

The psychologist after Akuze told me that writing would help with trauma. That I'd be better able to process events and speed my healing. I didn't have time to write anything after the Lazarus Project. We were under attack before I was even awake, and the Collectors weren't going to wait. I had too much to do with recruiting my team, and I never did this. But now, the war is over, the Reapers are gone, and I'm sitting on my butt in a hospital room with nothing left to think about but life, both where it's going and where it's been.

I don't know what I thought this life would become. Can I even say that, since I've already been dead once? I guess I know what I mean.

I started out life on a space ship, joined the military when I turned 18 and went through N7 training. I was 23 when the events on Akuze wiped out my unit. I was 29 when I landed on Eden Prime and my life took a turn down a back alley to see me both hunter and hunted.

I was 29 the first time I saw Ash. Jenkins had just died, and Kaidan and I were fresh out of a fire fight with a half a dozen Geth drones when we heard shots coming from down the hill. I was on a flat rise, and looked down to see two Geth and an Alliance soldier on her own. Kaiden overloaded the first Geth, and it blew up, and the three of us gunned down the second. Ash had just watched her unit get wiped out. I saw something of myself in her then. Akuze came rushing back to me in a second, only to be pushed back down where it came from. No time to think about the past, I recruited Ashley to join us and we pushed on to the dig site, then up the hill to the research team quarters and through the pass to the spaceport. That was the first time anybody had seen a Reaper, and we thought it was just a really big ship. Sovereign was lifting off, leaving husks and Geth for us to deal with. We found more survivors, and then Nihlus' body, another survivor, and more Geth before we made it to the train. They'd planned to blow up the colony, but had no visible means of extrication. Anyway, we cleared the area of Geth, cleaned out what supplies and upgrades we could find, and then Ashley got a little too close to the beacon. I was able to throw her out of the way, but it grabbed me instead. It lifted me in the air, and I saw a vision that I later found out was a Prothean cipher, before the beacon blew up and knocked me out cold.

In the span of an afternoon, I lost one crew member, gained a new one, faced Geth that hadn't been seen in 200 years, faced new enemies that nobody had ever seen before, witnessed a ship of immense size that was casually parked on a planet, encountered 50,000 year old tech that wrote something into my brain, and got knocked out.

For all of that, the one thing I remember most vividly is meeting Ashley Williams. Somewhere in my head, I know that I remember it so well because she was so much like me; a soldier that lost her squad, and fought for her life until help arrived. I think that's why I went back for her on Virmire, too. Letting her die would have been too much like letting myself die. Hero of the galaxy, savior of the council, and I still let my friend die to save my own metaphorical ass. At the time, I justified it as Kaidan was with other troops, Kirrahe and his men were with Kaiden at the AA tower, but Ash was alone with the Geth, trying to secure the bomb. I told myself that Kaidan would be fine, that he'd make it out, that Ash needed me more.

But for all the things life is, it's not fair. I'd have lost one of them, no matter what. In the end, I guess it worked out. Kaidan would have liked Ash, and he'd have loved seeing us together. I just wish he'd had the chance.


	3. Chapter 3

Dr. Chakwas says I'm progressing nicely. I'm not sure what standard she's using, because I don't feel like I'm progressing nicely, but hopefully that'll change.

Mom got a call in to the hospital yesterday. We talked for long time. Mom's always been one to be strong for me, and yesterday was no exception, but I could hear in her voice that she was about an inch from redirecting an Alliance dreadnought to Earth to come see me. I think I convinced her that I was in good hands, surrounded by good people, and that she needed to stay with the team and get the relays rebuilt. It was good to hear her voice, though. So much has happened in the last three years, and sitting here in a hospital bed leaves one with a great deal of time to let the weight of everything finally become real.

It never really occurred to me before, but I spent 2 of those 3 years dead. Really, everything I experienced could be crammed into a year, 3 months and 28 days. It's all a bit overwhelming when you stop to think about it.

I remember the first time I'd set foot on the citadel. It's hard to really appreciate the enormity of the place until you really start looking around. I remember Kaidan's comment; "big place". Yeah. Understatement of the year there, big guy. You can do so much in such a confined place. I managed to meet and recruit Wrex, Garrus, and Tali without even hitting 4 of the 5 wards.

I've been thinking a lot about Thane. He had stories that were nigh on unbelievable, but then there came Kai Leng. Thane had been a patient in need of daily medical care at Huerta Memorial, in the final stages of Kepral's Syndrome, and he damn near defeated Leng in a manner of minutes. That Drell could hardly breathe, and could still pull off acrobatics that almost took me out of the fight just so I could watch him. It makes me think that, if he'd been healthy, we'd have had a little less trouble getting that Prothean VI from Thessia. I got an extranet message from Kolyat this morning. He's doing well, and expressed his gratitude over the memorial service we held for him in my apartment. Thane would be proud of him. He's made a lot of headway with some Salarian scientists, doing research for a cure to Kepral's Syndrome.

Kolyat has had me thinking that maybe it's not time to sit down. Like it or not, I'm a hero to most of the galaxy. Captain of the most well-known ship in the galaxy, the first human Spectre, hero of the Citadel, savior of the council (twice), the first man to successfully return from the Omega-4 relay, and destroyer of the Reapers, making me the savior of all organic life in the galaxy. For all the pushback I got from the council before, I think they'd be on board with putting me in some sort of diplomatic role. I united the species for a war, and it's important that they stay united. I just hope they don't ask me to replace Udina on the council. I don't think I could stomach that any more than Anderson could.

I don't know what I'll do when I get out of her, but I'm retiring from the Spectres. Maybe the Alliance Navy, too. I'm not sure where I'll end up yet, but neither Ash nor I could handle settling down as farmers or something. There's going to have to be some action somewhere. I'm not even sure she's ready to leave the Alliance. We'll have to talk about that the next time she visits.


	4. Chapter 4

During the war, I hardly slept. Nightmares plagued me. Things have not changed. Outwardly, I don't question my decisions through the war, and I've had myself convinced that I'd done the right things, made the right decisions, used what I had available to me to get us all closer to winning the war.

My dreams are telling me that there's a piece of me, somewhere in the deep recesses of my subconscious, that isn't so sure.

It reminds me of Mordin. He was convinced that he did the right thing at the time; that the genophage was necessary, and he had no regrets. And then he went to his death because he made a mistake. He came to understand that he made a mistake because I showed him the truth. Helped to show him, anyway.

So I've been sitting here for a couple days lost in thought. Going over decisions I made. Wondering if I could have done better. I've been avoiding it, trying to write about what's going on in the world since the end of the war, but that's not going to help me.

I let Kaidan die on Virmire. I love Ash with everything in me, but I have to admit that I've been haunted by not being able to save him. I don't understand why, really. I never blamed myself for surviving the thresher maw attack when the rest of my squad was killed, though I guess there weren't any decisions for me to make that determined any of their fates.

Kaidan was with Kirrahe and his troops, while Ash was alone and surrounded by hostile Geth. I think, now, I went back for her because she was alone, just like I was on Akuze. Kaidan was a good soldier and he was with a good team of people. It seemed he'd be OK without me. In that moment, I believed both of them could be saved, that they'd both make it out alive. Hell, Kirrahe and his men made it out alive, so I guess it was possible, but it just didn't happen that way. I remember after he died, I stood in the mess and stared at his station for hours, hoping it'd all be a dream and he'd come walking around the corner to report for duty. I had to push it aside when we reached Ilos, but I don't recall ever picking it back up and dealing with it. Someday, I'd like to get up to Canada; see if I can find his family, or figure out what happened to them. I know Ash would have died if I'd left her there alone. She kept herself alive against the Geth on Eden Prime until help arrived, but without help she wouldn't have made it. Getting to the AA tower to get Kaidan and Kirrahe wouldn't have left us time to get back to her, and at the very least she'd have died in the blast. It's an unfortunate, bitter reality of war that people will die, and you just do the best you can. In the end, Kaidan sacrificed himself to save the team he was with. I'd have done the same thing.

I miss him.


	5. Chapter 5

There's an old vid from the 21st century about a soldier from the 1800s who looked at the horrors of war and the atrocities that he committed because he was "just following orders". He'd spent years drowning the nightmares in whiskey and, while he wouldn't seek death out himself, was more than happy to welcome it if it came. He fights, and fights hard, but when he's beaten, he has no fear of dying.

I'm not interested in writing out all the details here, but in the end, he survives a battle, is taken captive by the enemy, and proceeds to learn a great deal about himself, finds the family he'd been without since he was a kid, fights for their honor and the preservation of the values they hold dear, and ends the movie with his new mentor and best friend telling him he has his honor back. There's one line in that movie that sticks with me. Well, there's a lot of them, but lately, this one has been stuck in my head. "I think a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed."

I haven't written about decisions like I'd planned to in several days, but I've been talking about things with friends.

Javik once told me that honor doesn't matter. That in war, the only thing that matters is survival. I always disagreed, but could always see why he thought that way. Javik was born into war and woke 50,000 years later as the last surviving member of his long extinct species. If I were in his shoes, I'd probably have a considerably different outlook on everything, too.

Wrex loves the fight for the fight. It's in his blood, but he's smart enough to know that honor is important, and has worked tirelessly to build Krogan reputation and influence. They excel at combat, to be sure, and they'll never shy away from that fact, but Wrex knows that there's a time for diplomacy, too.

I guess it'll suffice to say that I have people in my life that I love and respect. I value their opinions and their advice, their wisdom and their perspective. I'm very fortunate to be a man in possession of many people with whom he can be vulnerable. During the war I had to put on the CMDR. I had to be the rock, the anchor, the leader that kept everything together for the lot of us. I had to make decisions on the fly and needed them all to follow me without question.

Now, though, I can revisit some of these things with my old crew. I've learned that putting on the CMDR didn't fool them. It took some longer than others, but they all saw threw me. Every last one of them knew. They followed me anyway. Garrus said it was because I kept making bad guys dead and he liked being along for the ride. They had to call an orderly to mop up the pools of sarcasm he left behind when he said it.

In the last several days I've had plenty of visitors. Ash, Wrex, Garrus, Liara, Miranda, Tali, Jack. All of them said, essentially, the same thing. In war, you do the best you can, until your destiny is revealed. They said they followed me because I made the decisions I did for the right reasons, did the best that I could, and fought to save as many people as possible. The people that died on my watch largely did the same. Mordin, Kaidan, Legion, Anderson, they all died fighting for something bigger than themselves. They deserve to be remembered, because they fought and died with honor.

All of them told me that they understood why I'd question things now that the war is over, but that I need to remember that I did what my friends had done, and while it may not be fair that they died, it wasn't unfair that I'd lived.

In the end though, it was Admiral Hackett that really put it through to me. He showed up here yesterday, exchanging pleasantries and small talk. He was looking out the window of my hospital room, his back to me, when he asked me if I thought he'd done a good job leading the war. I was surprised that he'd ask me that question, but I answered him honestly, "Yes, sir. You and Anderson are a lot of the reason we fared as well as we did."

"Don't forget, Commander, that I'm the man that sent the entire second fleet to its death. I sacrificed an entire FLEET of good men, good soldiers. Their blood is on my hands, but I'd do it again if I had to. They died so the third and fifth fleets could escape, and their deaths were not in vain. Your friends died for a cause, too, and it's not your fault. You're as much, if not more, of the reason we fared as well as we did. You brokered peace between the Krogan and the Turians, then between the Quarians and the Geth. You united an entire galaxy against a common enemy and saved trillions of lives."

Then he turned around to look me square in the eye, and said, "My advice to you, Shepard, is treat yourself with the same grace you treat me. You've earned it."

And with that, he left. He didn't even say, "Hackett, out".

In stunned silence, I watched him leave. A few seconds after the door had closed, I heard myself answer him again; "Yes, sir."


	6. Chapter 6

I found out today that Ash has been seeing an Asari counselor for post-traumatic stress. She's always felt the need to live up to some impossible ideal, even after she got her commission and the Williams Curse started to lift. She projected a cocky attitude, and was always so damn competitive, but under the surface was a young woman that just wanted someone to tell her she'd done a good job. I never could say it enough. Some wounds just run too deep.

Seems I'm not the only one that's been bothered by Kaidan's death on Virmire. She's thankful to be alive, but the survivor's guilt is finally starting to wear on her, and she said she started seeing the counselor because feeling guilty over being alive somehow diminished the relationship we have. I tried to tell her that it was OK to feel guilty, but couldn't tell her that I felt it, too. I didn't want to hurt her. She's seen enough.

She's hearing rumors about us. Supposedly, Alliance brass is talking about turning us into walking recruitment posters. Dress us up and send us on tour to drum up new enlistments. I don't think that's going to fly. I'm not alive to become a spectacle, some side show freak the Alliance can trot out when it needs a good show. We just got done saving the galaxy, I'm pretty sure my stock is high enough I can do what I want.

I'm thinking about a diplomatic post. It wasn't easy getting the galaxy to work together. It'd be a shame to see it die when the rebuilding is done. My fighting spirit is intact, but I'd much rather be fighting for the advancement of galactic life than fighting to exterminate an enemy. I feel like I can best spend my time moving forward than going back to what I've been doing. Policing the galaxy can be left to others. I'd think I'd like to try my hand at giving them less to police.

I was able to leave the hospital for a few hours. Dr. Chakwas authorized getting me down to pay my respects to Anderson. I missed the funeral, but that's probably a good thing. I sat and looked at his grave in silence for a long while. Ash stood by my side and thankfully didn't say a word. I don't know how much pain crying would have caused me, but a word from anybody would have been enough for me to find out. Someone had to have called ahead and had the way cleared. Once we landed the skycar at the cemetery, we didn't see a soul the whole way there and back.

I am feeling better, though, and everyone says I look better every time they see me. It hasn't been long, but the bruises are fading, the bones are mending, and I need less pain medication than I did a week ago. I can see it on Ashley's face. The first few times she came to visit she looked at me like I must have looked at her after Mars. She kept up her usual bravado, trying to sound unconcerned, but I could read the fear on her face, not knowing what kind of shape I'd end up in. The reports I'm getting from Dr. Chakwas are that I should make at least a nearly full recovery. We'll see how things go. Physical therapy will begin as soon as I can stand up without pain. I know all my appendages are in working order, and I'm really looking forward to getting out of here and a night alone with Ash. I'm taking that as a good sign that I'm on the road to good health.

Now I just need to get through the grieving. I'm not there yet, but I am looking forward to the day I can look forward and start planning for the future, instead of looking back and trying to say goodbye to the ghosts we left behind. I keep telling myself that it could have all ended. Billions are alive today because of the sacrifice of those that fought and died. I'd like to see that those people are remembered.


	7. Chapter 7

December 10, 2186

In the last week I've experienced rage, anguish, guilt, shame, and a few emotions for which I have no words. The most common thought in my head has been that I should have died on the Citadel. Not that the explosion should have killed me and it's a miracle I survived, but that it should have been me. I shouldn't be here. Anderson should have survived to have a life with Kahlee.

It's not a healthy line of thinking, I know, but it's the voice in my head. Nothing else has ever scared me like my own thoughts have in the last 7 days. I haven't even had the courage to write it down where nobody else can see.

I don't know why I got a second chance. I died once. Why didn't I stay that way? Part of me knows it doesn't matter why, all that matters is that I'm here. I can't do anything about what's happened to me or what I've done. We saved the galaxy. I should feel happy about that. Trillions of lives spared because of my actions. Hundreds of thousands of lives ended because of them, too. It's not a fun thing to think about.

On the Normandy, fighting for survival, it was easy to not think about those things. Sitting here now, it's impossible not to. Right now, I'm alone with my thoughts. Ash hasn't been by in days. I can't say as I don't understand. I'd have a hard time looking at her if the roles were reversed. She's got her own things to deal with. It'd be selfish of me to expect her to be here for me. It'd be selfish of her to expect me to be there for her. In the end, we're going to have to fight our own battles and move on from there.

I'm trying to come to a place where I can look back on the war and the lives lost and remember them all without guilt or remorse. All of us sacrificed. Every single life in the galaxy sacrificed something or someone. When I can look back on them all and remember, honoring their actions without feeling like I should have been able to prevent some of them, I'll know I'm getting better.

So much of me wants to get back to work, join the reconstruction efforts, stop trying to save the galaxy and just get it working towards its own future. I know, though, that doing so would only delay the inevitable, and probably make it harder. Doesn't matter. I'm still healing, and Dr. Chakwas has made it clear if I try to leave she'll personally hurt me enough to keep me here. I don't know that she'd actually do it, but if anyone can, and make it look like an accident, it's her. I'm not about to find out.

No real news from the outside world. I'm not asking. I'm not sure I could handle finding out. At this point, I'm believing that all my friends are involved in keeping the wheels turning. That's the important thing. There's nothing they can do for me here, and I'd rather they were out doing something that matters. I wouldn't turn down a few extranet messages, though.


	8. Chapter 8

December 13, 2186

Ask and ye shall receive. I got a visitor today. Probably the one visitor I needed more than anything…

EDI.

I knew it was her before I opened my eyes. The unmistakable metallic clink of her footsteps on the tile floor in the hall gave it all away.

Tali managed to get her platform repaired, and she decided it would be "beneficial to my recovery to see a friendly face". I think that's how she phrased it. She closed the door and turned to me, remarking that I didn't look like myself. I told her that explosions on a big ass space station tended to do that to person.

I don't think I ever really appreciated how perceptive she was. Maybe she's just been working on her core programming. Either way, she told me she wasn't referring to my "physical person", but that I looked like I was in pain that was "not limited to your bodily injuries".

I don't know why I unloaded on her. Maybe because she, by nature, is emotionally detached from so much. I guess I was looking for someone that could force logic through the mess in my head and get me to see things more clearly.

She sure came through for me. Just like old times.

EDI doesn't see that I made the wrong choices. Stupid decisions on the battle field from time to time, maybe, but in the end everything worked out. Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. She reminded me that I fought Saren and the Geth, and then the Collectors, and then the Reapers, by following my gut. She said she had observed that my ability to make sense out of madness was the biggest reason so many people followed me through the war. People were willing to go to their death to fight for what was right, but it was because I was leading them. I made things clear for them. I gave them someone to believe in, and that gave them the ability to believe in themselves. I had to make sacrifices. I had to sacrifice lives, sometimes in great numbers, but that I never did it if there was any way to avoid it. I consistently made the best choice I could with the resources I had available.

I'll admit I was reluctant to hear it, so she twisted the knife. "Why do you wish inflict punishment on yourself? I do not understand what you gain." How do you answer that?

She reminded me that Jenkins died in his first action. Kaiden died on Virmire. Hundreds of thousands of Batarians died when I destroyed the Alpha relay. I regretted these actions. Hundreds of thousands of humans were killed by the Collectors before I could stop it. I was blaming myself for this, too. But I wasn't paying attention to the whole picture. I did stop the Collectors. I united ancient enemies in the Krogan and Turians, the Quarians and Geth. I saved the Rachni. I made it possible for the genophage to be cured. I stopped the Reapers. I kept Samara from ending her life. I rescued Garrus from an army of very angry mercs. I rescued Ashley from the Geth. I saved Liara from dying, suspended in a Prothean security device. I saved Joker from dying when the Normandy went down. I gave the Geth individual consciousness. I had directly influenced her own ability to think and form opinions. I'd saved trillions of lives across the galaxy.

I stopped her at this point. She'd made her point. I had to make some unfortunate, but necessary calls. But I accomplished more than I'd failed.

I learned a long time ago that when emotions come in conflict with logic, emotions always win. My emotions aren't beaten yet, but I'm starting to see the pride in what I was able to do. I've never liked anybody dying under my command, but for all the death, there's a lot of life to show for it.

We sat a joked for a while after that. The levity was well appreciated. She still needs to work on her sense of humor, but her jokes are so bad it makes them funny. And the stories. Oh God the stories. I probably shouldn't write any of them down. Joker, in particular, would try really hard to kill me.

Today's ending with a smile. It's been a while since that happened. Time to put this one in the win column.


	9. Chapter 9

December 17, 2186

Today marks a month since I woke up. Well, since they let me out of the medically induced coma, anyway.

It's been hard, sitting here, staring at blank, white walls, watching my vital signs on the monitor next to my bed, alone with the silence. It wasn't this boring when they had me incarcerated. To be fair, that wasn't much of a jail term.

People are calling me a hero. God, I hate that. I'm not a hero; I'm just a guy that didn't close his eyes to the truth. Too many people sacrificed too much for me to be the one getting all this attention. Anyway, they say a hero is nothing without a nemesis. My nemesis is dead. Their corpses litter the ground, covering kilometers of real estate, each a grim reminder of what might have been. I'm reminded of what happened with Sovereign. Spend some time cleaning up and people start to forget their own history. We've got a long process ahead of us, but it frightens me that, one day, all this will turn to legend, and then myth, and then the people that fought and died and the enemies they faced will be cave paintings on the walls, nobody quite sure what they mean.

I may not deserve all the accolades, or at least not deserve so many of them while others fade more rapidly, more quietly, into the background of the war, but as I've sat here, I've found a new nemesis.

History.

Like it or not, everybody knows my name. They all know my face. What they don't really know is what we faced, what we accomplished, how we accomplished it. They don't know the whole story. How could they?

I fought beside too many people to let this go so easily. The public needs to remember David Anderson, Kaidan Alenko, Tarquin Victus, the Alliance Second Fleet, the people that were indoctrinated into the service of Cerberus and the Reapers, the Asari that died defending Thessia, the Turians on Palavan and Manae, the humans on Earth, the Batarians of Bahak and Kar'Shan. Countless lives that were ended deserve the honor of remembrance.

They say I'm a good man. I haven't felt like one much lately, but I'm going to fix that. My legacy will not be limited to my actions in the war. Javik once told me to stand amongst the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. Well, I believe honor absolutely matters. I made decisions that cost lives, but I always tried to make the honorable decision. I always tried to make the choice that secured the galaxy against the cycle of extinction. It's time, now, to make another decision.

I have many titles. Commander. N7 Special Forces. Council Spectre. Savior of the Council. Hero of the Citadel. Savior of the galaxy. The recruiting posters all feature my face. If they're going to use me, it's time it started being on my terms.

Peoples and politicians will turn this galaxy back into feuding clans if we allow ourselves to forget. The battle remains. It's the theater that's changed.

I've sent word to Admiral Hackett. It's time to put my name, my face, my titles to use, in a manner that matters. It's time to start uniting the galaxy for good.

The Protheans were a conquering power, assimilating the societies they encountered, all of them eventually called Protheans. I think we need to band together, Human, Salarian, Turian, Krogan, Asari, Volus, Quarian, Geth, everybody. For all our differences, it's time we united as one race. Life demands compassion, cooperation, truth, and equality.

I can't do this alone, though. I don't want to do it alone. I'll need a good team.

It's time to talk to Ashley.


	10. Chapter 10

December 19, 2186

Ashley's hesitant to see me. I spoke with her counselor, who says she's making progress, but she's not ready to face me. I must have looked hurt at hearing the words. Her counselor asked me to tell her about Ash, and explained that she thought my combined perspective as commander and boyfriend might lend her some insight she could apply to treatment.

Ash has always been stubborn. William's pride, she calls it. She's a damn good soldier, and a strong woman, but she's hyper-focused on the approval of her superiors. Being passed over for promotions and having leadership responsibility assigned to her junior, though equally ranked squad mates has worn on her over the years. It doesn't help that she saw it happen to her father, too. She felt like she failed the 212 on Eden Prime. She felt like she failed on Horizon. One thing she held her head high about, though; she didn't surrender, and she never stopped fighting.

Her insecurities come out as bravado, some would say arrogance, but they also motivate her inability to turn anything down. She joined the Spectre Corp so she could feel like she was doing something, but I suspect part of that came from the pressure Udina put on her. A superior expected something of her, and she's conditioned herself to say yes to any assignment she's given. She was up to the task, don't get me wrong, but Udina knew that her undying need to live up to expectations would make her manipulatable. She almost shot me, for God sake. But she's smart, too. She turned on Udina, even though she thought she'd regret it, but she trusted her gut enough to take action.

It took a lot for her to ask me to rejoin the crew on the Normandy. It meant she'd have to turn down Admiral Hackett. Saying no to an Admiral had to be hard, but I think maybe saying yes to Udina still stung. I was glad to have her back on the team, even if it looked like things wouldn't work out between us.

Those same insecurities make her overthink everything. She had a very hard time getting past my involvement with Cerberus, and I think that was because she was terrified of being wrong.

One thing I know for certain, Ash is something else. She's the hardest working marine I've ever met, and regardless of the reasons she was given her commission, or her Spectre status, she deserved them.

I admit I went back for her on Virmire because she was alone, like I was on Akuze, like she had been on Eden Prime, and I couldn't let her die alone. She'd have gladly sacrificed her life for that mission, just like Kaidan did, but I made the call to save her. Kaidan may have deserved to live through that battle, but so did she.

Ash has her issues, but she's wonderful. I know what it means to be unable to see that. I hate that she's dealt with it for so many years. She deserves to be happy and know that she's lived up to every expectation anyone could reasonably have placed on her.

I told her counselor to tell her I was proud of her, and I'd talk to her when she's ready.

I hope that wasn't a bad move.


	11. Chapter 11

Ashley joined the team so late during the war, I wanted her to be the first person I asked for this new battle to secure truth in history.

While I'm waiting for her, though, I've decided it's time to start thinking about my other possibilities. The alliance handed me the first group on the SR1, and Cerberus compiled dossiers for me to chase down for the war on the collectors. I'm afraid I'm going to have to start over though.

Garrus is up to his mandibles in Turian politics, advising the Primarch. He made a hell of a name for himself during the war.

Tali is an Admiral and is busy on her homeworld. 300 years of floating tomake up for.

Liara is up to her eyeballs in Shadow Broker business. Rebuilding a network and funneling vast amounts of resources to the reconstruction effort has her pretty well occupied. I'm sure I can depend on her for information. I might still try to bring her on board so I've got easy access to her for intelligence analysis.

It's funny… I'm still analyzing this like I'm going to be making assaults on merc bases and overrun colonies. Diplomat, Shepard. Think, "diplomat".

James is training for N7. Not sure he'd be much help on a diplomatic mission anyway.

Steve Cortez. Might be able to pull him along as a shuttle pilot, but is he needed? I can pilot a shuttle well enough, and I'm not getting dropped in a hot landing zone anymore. Then again, I might want a combat rated pilot. You never know what I might find waiting for me when I get out of this damn hospital.

Javik… not sure he's got the tools to deal with politicians. Unless we need to bump one off or something. Zaeed is retired. No way I'm pulling him into this anyway. I have to admit it'd be funny to see him involved in anything political. Now that I think about it, it'd be even funnier watching Jack try it, but she's got her students.

Jacob is getting married and settling down. Grunt is rebuilding his company and helping Wrex rebuild Tuchanka. EDI will be on the ship, **is** the ship, but until the rest of the galaxy gets used to AI's being friendly, it's probably best we leave her with Joker.

Kasumi. Yeah. Enough said.

Thane. Is dead. Damnit, why is he dead?

Kepral Syndrome would have taken him eventually. I need to remember that he went out the way he'd have wanted. Defending what was right. I still remember what he said about Kai Leng. "He should be ashamed. A half dead Drell kept him from his target." I remember watching them fight. Leng was good, but a half dead Drell nearly kicked his ass. Makes me very thankful nobody ever sent Thane after **me**. I was good, but I'd have never seen him coming.

I think back on that prayer. His dying thought was for me. He's one of the people I'm fighting this new battle for. We'll honor him by remembering.

Hurry up, Ash. I can't do this alone much longer.


	12. Chapter 12

December 25, 2186

Merry Christmas to me. Kind of wish I wasn't spending it in a hospital room, but I'm alive. I'll take what I can get.

Admiral Hackett is on board. He's got a different idea about pursuing this, though. With the toll the war took on every military force in the galaxy, leadership is sparse. He reminded me that one of my greatest gifts is inspiring loyalty in those that follow me. I have the ability to make people believe. I laughed at the notion, reminding him of how difficult it was for me to do that with countless politicians. He laughed. I think that's the only time I've ever seen him laugh.

He told me that the galaxy simply can't deny the truth any longer, and they don't want to.

The truth about the Asari is out, the hypocrisy and manipulation laid bare. They're reeling in the wake of their position in the galaxy falling down around them as the temple of Athame fell down around us.

Similarly, the Salarians have been exposed in their petty attempts to hold the Krogan down while they were making attempts to uplift the Yahg, and are now viewed with suspicion by every race in council space. Major Kirrahe's actions on Virmire and during the war have made him an influential member of the greater Salarian society, and his opinion of me is such that I'll have backing in their courts.

The Turian meritocracy has been ravaged, but I made tight bonds with Primarch Victus, and being a military society, they'll appreciate a military mind. Then there's Garrus, the Primarch's top advisor. I've got more inroads with the Turians than I do with anybody.

The Volus are the greatest financial minds in the galaxy, and a galactic economy is going to require their support. Fortunately, Barla Von survived as well, has raised himself into leadership among his people, and the report we built when I was hunting Saren, and the further connection through the Shadow Broker, gives me some room to influence them as well. It doesn't hurt that I've already brought out a lot of truth about the previous council races that has benefited them already. Volus position has increased while the previous leadership races positions have decreased.

Humanity has something of a black eye to overcome courtesy of the Cerberus assault on the Citadel, and Hackett feels that keeping me in uniform and making a show of me organizing the hunt for any remaining Cerberus cells will show that the Alliance is serious about making sure that the galaxy as a whole is kept safe.

Basically, Hackett's vision at this point is military based diplomacy. He believes it's the best course, so he came to me with signed authorization from the remaining military leadership, Councilor Osoba, and the few politicians that managed to survive, almost purely by virtue of not being on Arcturus Station when the Reapers came through and killed 45,000 people, to offer me an Admiralty. Admiral Shepard. Kinda has a nice ring to it.

It's a lot to think about. I was sure I wanted to leave the military, but Hackett makes sense. In its present state, the galaxy is being led or heavily influenced by military people, and it may well be the best idea to keep me in uniform for a while longer. I'm not ready to commit yet, but I have composed a conditional letter of acceptance. Under my terms, I'd maintain command of the Normandy, using it in the same capacity that Anderson had envisioned. They say Washington DC was originally designed to intimidate and humble foreign heads of state. I don't think intimidation is a concern, but humility is going to be necessary, and with its underlying reminder that it was conceived as a cooperative venture between two previously warring races, and the certain amount of awe inspired by the name, the Normandy can facilitate that. I'm also specifying that Joker, Adams, Donnelly, Daniels, Traynor, and Cortez be assigned to her. I want people I know I can trust, and I do believe they all love the old girl as much as I do. EDI, of course, is a given, now that she's operational.

Ashley's another matter. She's always been no nonsense, but she's also never been one to hold her tongue with any reliability. I love her for it, but the question remains if she can stand beside me in a diplomatic role or not. I know I can count on her for nearly anything, and she's always been very performance oriented. I suspect she'll do the job if I ask her to, but I don't want her to take it because she's still trying to bring honor back to her family name. The stress of the war, her status as a SPECTRE, the expectations she felt from holding a commission… she ended up drowning herself in a bottle more than once and projected a bravado that I know was a veneer of confidence intended to cover up her insecurities, and indeed an innate fear that she'd fail everyone she felt was counting on her. Taking that up a notch to diplomat might be more than she can bear and I'm not sure it would be fair to ask it of her. I've thought about trying to have her placed as the commanding officer of the Normandy. Ash has never had issues taking orders from me, even after our relationship became romantic, and I know I can trust her to lead the crew. Maybe with the weight of the war off her shoulders, and the pressure I'm sure she was feeling from Udina when she was assigned to guard the council, and the feeling of failure I'm sure she felt when it became apparent that Udina had played her… well, maybe some of the pressure is off now, and she'll be better able to stand up under the load.

I'm going to need to talk to her councilor and see what she thinks. If Ash isn't prepared to handle any of this, I'm not going to put it on her. She deserves the opportunity and all the time required to defeat her demons, make peace with herself, and move into the next chapter of her life.

That letter can wait. Hackett can wait. Hell, I'm not leaving the hospital yet, I've got time to make sure I do this right.


	13. Chapter 13

December 31, 2186

It seems appropriate that the close of one life should fall on the close of this year. I think back on all that we faced, all the failures and mistakes, all the achievements and victories, all the losses, and all the gains, and am thankful that I lived to see this.

My wounds are nearly healed. Physical therapy classes have been helping. I sustained so many broken bones that walking has been quite difficult, but it's getting much better. It's hard going from a strong, capable soldier to an invalid. Part of me begs to lie down, but it's always overruled and I fight to recover. I owe it to myself, all those that fought, and all those that died to keep going. I keep thinking of Thane and Ashley being in these things, and feel a mix of amusement and pain. I suspect the pain, physical and emotional, will stay with me for a long time to come. Thane was avenged with Kai Leng's death, but the void is remains.

On a positive note, I was able to leave the hospital under my own power and see what's been going on since the war ended. I thought the Citadel looked bad after Sovereign, but this… I'm amazed the Citadel is still here. Work is going well, though, or as well as can be expected under the circumstances. We're having to learn how to rebuild it on the fly, so nobody can say how long it might take, but progress is being made, and that's certainly better than the alternative.

I spoke with Hackett earlier this week, and he agreed that my terms were reasonable. I'll maintain command of the Normandy. Joker will be assigned as the Normandy's pilot, Steve will rejoin the crew as our shuttle pilot, Adams, Donnelly, and Daniels will return to engineering, and Traynor will be back in her position as my yeoman, the latter three also receiving promotions to Petty Officer First Class. This is all contingent on their acceptance of the posts. Hackett hasn't told them anything yet. He's going to let me do it. I can't wait to see their faces. Effectively, with an Admiral's commission, I'll be able to put anybody I want on the crew. Seems Hackett feels I've more than earned the right to dictate my terms. Joker's going to need medical care, and I'm debating inviting Karin back onboard, as well. She loves Joker like a son, and while she could certainly do a lot of good here in this hospital, she's never felt more at home than on a ship.

Visitors this week included Miranda and Oriana. Oriana is doing very well and applying her considerable intellect to reconstruction efforts on Earth. Miranda doesn't look happy about it, but it seems she's attracted the attention of several young men and women. I swear Miranda is a mother hen with her, and understandably so, given all she did to keep her safe over the years. Oriana hates it, also for good reason. She's very smart, incredibly capable, and from the stories she told me about one young man in particular, incredibly capable of kicking the ass of anyone that tries to take advantage of her. I told Miranda that she needed to start accepting that, as her genetic twin, Oriana was just as capable as she was, and then offered Miranda a job. She balked at the idea, telling me that an ex-Cerberus operative serving alongside an Alliance Admiral was only going to cause problems, but I convinced her that taking up position as my XO would only be good for us. Diversity in my crew has always been extremely important, and seen me through battles that would have otherwise been unwinnable, and she was no less a part of destroying the Collectors than I was. It's time her past was left in her past. I'm guessing she didn't see the XO offer coming, because her mouth hung open and she just sat down. It's about time I managed to render her speechless. She's accepted, and I'm very pleased. We make a good team.

On the order of diversity, I've reached out to Garrus, Tali, Wrex, Liara, and Major Kirrahe for recommendations on representatives of their races for our endeavor. I need the best, but I also need to set an example of unity, and in the case of the Asari and Salarian people, forgiveness.

As for Ashley, her therapist thinks she's going to need to continue her sessions for some time, but she's apparently making incredible progress. Having spent time her Ashley's head has made it easier to move forward, because Ash can't hide anything, but she's not fighting it. Ash wants to deal with her past, her motivations, and her anger and trust issues. She's working hard, just like she always has, and her therapist is optimistic that she'll come through this better than she's ever been. I asked her what it would take for me to get both of them to come along. It seems to me that having an Asari that's trained in xenopsychology can only help in my efforts, giving me some additional insights that could sway stubborn leaders and help us build a new polity for this fledgling galactic community. She also agreed.

I've spoken with her on more than one occasion, and I guess I'm pretty transparent. When we last spoke, she asked, or rather stated, "You truly love her".

"More than anything."

She looked at me like all Asari seem to when they're considering you. Eventually she just nodded and said, "Good. She doesn't talk about them, but I know her thoughts about you." I can't quite describe the look on her face, save to say that it was… knowing. It seemed to convey thought without words. If I hadn't experienced the joining with Liara, I'd have thought she'd tapped into my head and told me things she's not supposed to without actually saying anything.

Still, after all this time of not seeing her, I needed the boost of knowing that Ash still loves me. Maybe in time, she'll be able to open up.


	14. Chapter 14

January 2, 2187

Ash came to see me yesterday. I was still dozing in bed, having abandoned the usual discipline of rising before dawn. I figure I've earned it, what with the injuries and everything.

I heard someone stop in the doorway, a relatively common event, and ignored him or her. I've found it's better to just keep your eyes closed. They get to look without feeling awkward and I don't have to engage them. It's a win-win.

"I never thought I'd see you sleep this late". I know that voice.

I kept my eyes shut. "You still haven't." She jumped. I was already facing the door so, eyes still closed, I smiled.

"Damnit, Shepard!"

Still smiling, I looked up at her. She was dressed in civvies, her dark brown hair flowing over her shoulders, her matching eyes carrying a look of mock anger, betrayed by the smile on her face. "You scared the shit out of me".

"Beautiful and glamorous SPECTRE agents are that easy to scare?"

"I'd hit you if you weren't already in a hospital bed."

I held her gaze and tried to decide what to say. So much had happened, so much pain and loss, yet seeing her standing there washed it all away.

I motioned her forward, and when she got to the bed, I grabbed her arm and started pulling her down to me, asking her to sit with me, telling her I wanted to start the new year with her.

She nuzzled into my shoulder, draping her right arm across my chest so her hand came to rest on my left arm, shuddered slightly and took a deep breath, in through her nose, out through her mouth, to try to steady herself.

I wanted to ask her a thousand questions, but right then, just having her there in my arms, her familiar scent in the air, the warmth of her pressed against me, the electric sensation I always felt at her touch making the hair on my arm stand on end, everything was perfect.

We sat like that for a while before either of us spoke.

"Shepard, I…"

"I know, Ash."

"Aren't you even going to ask…"

"No. No I'm not. I'll listen to you anytime you want to talk, but I'm not going to pull anything out of you. I want to know about it all Ash, but I want it to be on your terms. I love you, no matter what, and I trust you to be honest with me. You've always been honest with me, but I know that right now it's important that you process everything. I promise you, I'll be there when you're ready, but I won't pressure you."

I could feel the tears soaking through my hospital gown. Her voice was shaky as she said, "I love you, too. And thank you."

We spent the day together. I can still smell her on the bed. I didn't bring up my plans.

Maybe next time.


	15. Chapter 15

January 9, 2187

Ash has been stopping in to see me every day, checking on my progress, engaging in small talk, bantering back and forth, picking on each other like we used to. Anything but having a serious discussion about where she's at and how she feels.

She can be sneaky when she wants to be. I didn't notice the envelope until well after she was gone yesterday. She took the time to write my name on it. I'd never noticed it before, but her handwriting is almost as bad as my dancing. Thankfully, she typed the letter.

_Shepard,_

_Thank you for letting me do this in my time, in my way. I've tried to bring this up during our visits, but I can't seem to find the words. I guess that's why I always fall on those poems to express things when it's tight and emotions run high. I don't have to find the words then. There's no chance I'll screw it up. Letting all this out in person scares me, because I don't want to say the wrong thing and have you misjudge me. In my head, I know you won't, but it's still scary, and so this is going to have to do. I'll be back in a couple days, so I know you'll have found this and had time to read it, and we can talk about all of it then. I promise._

_You know I've never been fond of aliens. I've been awfully mean about it at times, too. I remember the comments about "bug eyed aliens" and "can't tell the aliens from the animals". I've spent a lot of time in therapy going over this. That's the thing about having an Asari therapist, you can't hide anything. She's been great, though. She's never judged or even acted surprised. She worked with me to find a cause for my apprehension and distrust and we're working through it together. She tells me she can only show me the way, but I have to be the one to fight the battle._

_Anyway, it all goes back to my grandfather and the First Contact War. Humanity was new in the galaxy and doing our thing and then this other race of beings shows up telling us what we can and can't do. Nobody knew what the Citadel was or why we should follow the rules of this galactic government, and we responded to force with force. When my grandfather surrendered on Shanxi, it was in the face of an overwhelming force that was killing his men with extreme prejudice. You know how the Alliance treated him for his decision, and he died hating the Alliance for what they did, and the Turians for putting him in that position. I don't think he ever understood that he just got out fought, and it wasn't their fault. It's a misplaced anger I've harbored for a very long time, too. Growing up in that shadow, believing the stories they told me, it became natural for me to be distrustful of alien races._

_Most of my military career was spent planet side and my exposure to anything but humans was pretty much zero. All I had to go on were the complaints of other humans and reports on the extranet. I had no personal experience that would contradict my preconceived bias._

_When you recruited Tali, Garrus, Wrex, and Liara on the SR1, I started to learn that individual aliens might not be so bad, but seeing the treatment humanity received at the hand of the greater galactic community didn't do much to improve my opinion of their species as a whole. If I'm honest, I think a lot of it was the treatment _you_ received. They wouldn't believe anything you brought them and actively fought against you, and I interpreted that as a slight based on the fact you're human. _

_After you died, the council put a lot of effort into undoing everything you'd done, and it only made my attitude toward them worse. I understood that not all of them were bad people, Tali, Garrus, Liara, and Wrex taught me that much, but the actions of the council and the ease with which so many believed that you were wrong, in spite of all the vids showing the truth, it just made me so angry. The Alliance had put me back on planet side details, too, so I was right back to being unable to do anything to defend you._

_That's another point that Nallya, that's my therapist, has been helping me with. I've always been so focused on redeeming my family name. I've put so much pressure on myself to make good, to live up to expectations. I've always been action oriented, but I was yoking myself to a load I couldn't handle. You saw it, how I behaved after I came back to the Normandy. I'd fought so hard to redeem the Williams name, and here I was a commissioned officer of the Alliance and the second human SPECTRE _ever_, and I found myself on a much larger stage with so many more people looking at me, waiting for me to fall down just like he did. I started drinking way too much, and acting like an arrogant ass in general, still trying to live up to the pressure, not realizing I was failing miserably. I never understood how you did it, holding up under that pressure. You always made it look so easy, and I'll admit there were times when I resented you for it. You always took my opinions in consideration. You always helped me to understand your point of view. You always had the answers. And I hated it. Truth is, Shepard, I put a lot of pressure on myself to live up to your example. I think that's why I was so vile to you on Horizon that time. I wanted to be just like you and then you turned up linked to a terrorist organization we'd both fought against. I understand it now, but then I was too shocked by what I saw as you failing me, wondering if it was even really you, and robbing me of the example I weighed my own worth against. If you couldn't live up to my expectations, how was I going to live up to anyone elses? Well, that's what was in the back of my head, anyway_

_With Nallya's help, I've looked back over my career and realized that I've done a pretty good job. I've realized that it's _my_ name I need to worry about, and the Williams name will follow suit. I can only be held accountable for what I've done, and time will take care of the rest. _

_I've realized that most aliens are just like us. They live in their own world, seeing life through their own eyes, colored by their own experiences. I can't expect them to appreciate humanity as a whole if I'm not willing to appreciate them as a whole, either. I need to find a way to show them the good of our species and seek to understand the good of theirs. Our differences give us diversity, but they don't mean that we're bad or good, we're just different sides of the die. We're all alive. We need to be able to celebrate our differences and see ourselves as parts of a whole. I don't know how we get there, but I hope I can play a part. _

_Anyway, Shepard, I think I've come a long way. I don't think I'm done yet, but I'm getting there. You've been such a help in my therapy, too. You're the anchor that I've held onto. I don't feel like I deserve you, but you love me anyway, and you're always so patient with me. So I'm trying to follow your example there, too, and be patient with myself. You know I have my faith. Grace and forgiveness may have come naturally to God, but it never came naturally to me. I'm working on it._

_Know that I love you with everything in me, and I want to be with you. Always. I'm yours for as long as you'll have me._

_All my love, _

_Ashley_


	16. Chapter 16

January 12, 2187

It's been nearly 2 months since I woke up in this hospital. Considering the somewhat limited medical supplies, I think I've come along quite nicely. My vision has cleared, no more blurry spots. My left arm is still tender while the bone finishes healing, but my right is feeling quite good. I can tell I've lost some strength in all this, but physical therapy will strengthen up the joints and there are treatments to restore the muscle mass I lost through atrophy. I'm still limping a bit, favoring my right leg. And there are still bandages covering the scars on my face that reopened, but hey, a giant space station blew up on me. I'd say I came out alright. I also think I've earned some shore leave.

Ash said a couple days, and sure enough, there she was 2 days later. I made it a point to get dressed for the occasion. This proved an interesting task. I'm still not sure where the nurse found the clothing, and I'm not going to ask. I'm afraid she may have looted it from a storefront or something.

Anyway, I was able to dress in a warm sweater and coat, stone washed jeans, and a pair of high topped work boots that the nurse said she chose for the support they'd give my ankles. They were heavy, but given the limp, nobody's going to notice me dragging my feet.

I was concerned that Ashley would interrupt if I tried to talk, so I played her own game against her, opting to write a letter. Slipping it inside my coat while it hung over the back of the chair, I waited until she showed up. The surprise at seeing me dressed was evident on her face, as was the rueful look that seemed to say, "aww, you mean I don't get to see you in that cute little gown again?" Ever the flight surgeon, Dr. Chakwas had cleared me for "light duty", and allowed us to leave the hospital and head for the park down the street.

It was a crisp morning, thankfully not too cold, and the park had survived remarkably well considering the destruction that lay everywhere else through the city. There were still no birds in the trees, and the silence was rather eerie.

We walked, or rather she walked while I slowly hobbled, down to the park, hand in hand, not saying a word, just enjoying being together without a battle to fight or the walls of a hospital constraining us.

I could tell she kept looking up at me. Wondering, I suppose, if I'd somehow managed to not find her letter. I knew broaching the subject was hard, so I helped.

"I rather liked your letter."

"Oh! You did find it. Um, I was wondering, ah, if you wanted…"

"Ash, I know this is hard for you. I know that you're dealing with a lot and I don't want to add to it by trying to force a conversation you may not be ready for. I'll always give you the time you need to deal with things and be here when you're ready, but I felt you deserved a response to your letter, so I wrote you one."

I reached in my coat, extracted the envelope, handed her the letter and sat down on a bench to enjoy the sun while she read.

_Ashley,_

_When I first met you on Eden Prime 3 years ago, I recognized that you were a good soldier. You fought well against the Geth and impressed me enough that I enthusiastically endorsed your appointment to the Normandy._

_When I took command and started recruiting a team to go after Saren, I could tell it was a shock to you. Your initial objection to the alien presence on the most advance warship in the Alliance Navy was understandable. We had a Krogan, long known to the galaxy as violent and warlike, wandering around the staging deck. We had a Turian, a member of a species we'd fought a war against just 30 years ago, working on the Mako. We had a Quarian teenager poking around the engine room. You acted like a Marine. You acted as I'd have expected you to; with caution and in the interests of the security of Alliance assets. You respectfully raised your concerns to your CO, a man you'd only just met a few short days prior, I might add, and then followed orders. You did your duty. Admirably. _

_Some of your views of aliens were something of a concern to me, but they were no different than Pressly's, and as long as they didn't get in the way of you working with the alien members of the team, I wasn't going to object. Then we started talking, and I looked into your service history, as well as your grandfather's. _

_To put it bluntly, Ashley, the Alliance screwed your family over. Your grandfather made a decision that saved the lives of thousands of troops under his command, troops that would have certainly died at the hands of a numerically and tactically superior force. The Alliance made him a scapegoat, as was your father, and you. Personally, I believe Alliance High Command couldn't get rid of you but couldn't have you advancing up the ranks and reminding people of what was done to General Williams. _

_You're right that your anger toward aliens has been misplaced, but you were raised in it. It's not easy for us to overcome prejudices we were raised into, and you've been able to do that. You think of Tali as a sister, your heart reached out to Liara after her mother's death, you jaw with Wrex and Garrus every chance you get, you befriended and then mourned Thane, you nearly attacked that guy from Terra Firma back on the Citadel 3 years ago. Harboring grudges against the body politic that governed in the name of the galactic races was understandable. Hell, neither of us much cares for most politicians. It was wrong to direct that grudge against the species as a whole, but again, it takes time to overcome the prejudices of our youth, and you're actively working toward that goal. You're doing exactly what I'd expect of you. Admirably._

_I'll admit I was worried about you during the war. That swagger and bravado had always lurked under the surface, but I watched you lose control of it for a while. When I found you passed out on the floor in the observation deck, it scared me. I know you're a big girl, and you can make your own decisions. A word of advice, though. Never listen to James or take him up on a bet. I was furious with him. Nearly went down to the staging bay and knocked him out, but then I got to thinking. Why would you do that to yourself? I knew the pressure of the war was a lot to deal with, but then I started thinking about everything else piled on your plate. Spectre. Commissioned Officer. Family name. So many more eyes watching to see if you'd fall down. Sister mourning her husband and you can't be there for her like you were when she was younger. Working with me again amid tension after Horizon and Mars. Suddenly I felt like you could be handling it much worse, and was really rather proud you were holding together at all. _

_Ash, you've come such a long way. Your letter proves it. I am so proud of you. Your dad would be proud of you. Your grandfather, too. I understand you feel you don't deserve me, but you've earned my gratitude, respect, admiration, and devotion. You are intelligent, fierce, strong, capable, and passionate. I love you, more and more every day, and no, it's not the little head talking here. Don't even, I could hear the thought form in your head just writing this._

_You are such an amazing woman. I am deeply honored to have you by my side, whether in battle or in this park. I feel like I'm home when I'm with you. Nowhere I go feels right without you beside me, and I never want you to be anywhere else._

_Yours,_

_Shepard_

I had closed my eyes and turned my face toward the sun, enjoying the warm sensation as it mingled with the chill in the air. I heard her sniffle, heard the letter fold back up, and looked over to find her wiping her eyes. Her eyes danced back and forth between mine as she looked at me before she leaned in and gave me a gentle, but thorough kiss. When she pulled away, she smiled.

"You've got such a way with words."

"Just because I can drill you between the eyes from a hundred meters"

"Hush. I'd smack you, but you're still too fragile."

"I meant every word, Ash. You made me proud as your CO. You've made me more proud as my girlfriend. I want you in my life. Not because you deserve it, but because nobody fits like you do."

She leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"I want that, too. I've still got a lot to work through, but I'm working hard."

"I know. If you're going to stick by me, though, there's something you should know."

I told her about my plans to enter politics by way of an Admiralty. I told her that I wanted her to come with me when the time came. I told her about my conversations with Admiral Hackett, and EDI, and everything that's happened over the last 2 months. She's agreed, but only after Nallya clears her. There's so much work for her, she can't leave her other patients to follow Ashley around the galaxy, and they've built up so much trust, Ash is concerned that trying to change therapists will slow her down. I agreed it was in her, and our, best interests and told her I'd keep her side of the bed warm.

She's always been competitive. I'm not entirely certain she was joking when she quipped, "you're assuming you'll get better before I do."

She smiled at me, laced her fingers between mine, and we sat on that bench enjoying the sound of each other breathing until the sun moved directly overhead.

You know, it's funny. I never thought just the sound of breathing would be so perfect. I guess when you've been through so much that threatened to snuff out that very thing, you learn to treasure it.


	17. Chapter 17

January 22, 2187

N-school wasn't as hard as the last 10 days, I'll swear it on my death bed. Physical therapy was beginning to feel like a death camp. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of hearing me complain, but I'll put in this journal that it has been hell. Still, can't argue with results. Muscle mass growing back, flexibility returning, my left arm back to 100%. Still walking just a touch like Joker, but even that's clearing rapidly as they rebuild me, muscle, joint, and bone.

Ash can tell I'm in pain in those classes, I think as much because she was in them herself as because she just knows how to read me, but thankfully she's been gently encouraging. There are things even she won't tease about, and I'm grateful. Therapy has been frustrating, but I refuse to move on to my new role looking less than healthy. I actually considered using the limp as a reminder, but that's basic manipulation and doesn't help me, and really, nobody can look out their window yet and not remember.

I really don't want to write about this anymore. Just thinking about it hurts. And that's not really what's bothering me anyway. My thoughts have been more troublesome than my physical recovery recently. I've been trying to sort it out so I can write here without stuttering on the page, but it's not working. I need to write and let my thoughts sort themselves out in due course.

Ash is still visiting often, and coming to therapy with me. The instructor remembered her, and she's been a great help in helping to motivate people, both with her command presence and the "I was here too" stories. I've been watching her face as she helps these people overcome an obstacle. The sense of reward is tangible there, and I must admit seeing it makes it real for me, too. Makes me realize, when I forget, that these people are watching me try to recover. The "great commander Shepard" is just a man, broken and bruised, and I get the sense that if I show signs of giving up, they might, too. The Alliance marketed me as a larger than life warrior that would save them all and then take in the latest Blasto movie. People recognize my accomplishments, but it's still something of a shock to see the Alliance branded superhero in my condition. In the end I want to make sure that people see what they need to see so I can motivate them forward and move on to the next stop.

For all this, a single thought hangs on the back of my mind, never letting me look past its presence. During physical therapy, at night before sleep finally overtakes me, even when Ash is here visiting. Especially when she's here.

How do I want to carry forward with Ash? She's a rock in my world, and I don't want to do this without her. I'm thinking about asking her to marry me, but I'm afraid she'll say no. I don't want to interfere with her therapy. I don't want her to think it's an "I almost died please marry me before it's too late' thing either, though I'd be lying if I said tasting death once and almost entering its embrace a second time hadn't left me with a "Carpe Diem" attitude. I'm very much aware of the fact that we're not guaranteed tomorrow, and I so much of me wants to marry her before the sun sets on another day, but I have to admit, I'm afraid.

I haven't let anything scare me since Mindoir. In part, I courted death because, deep down, I'd have welcomed it. Immediately after the attacks, I wanted to die like the rest of my family. After spending some time with Anderson and being recruited into the Alliance, I was still angry, and knew that I'd have plenty of opportunity to kill Batarians or let them kill me. Not the most healthy attitude, I know. Still, at 18, I didn't much care. Then I found myself a leader of people, and doing being stupid put them at risk. My squad became my family, and I found I had people to protect. I'd failed my mom, dad, sisters… I wouldn't fail them. I let my anger push me to excel. I let it push fear and doubt out of my mind.

With Ash, though, there's no anger to keep fear at bay. I don't know how to handle it. She's been a part of my squad, she's been my family, but the more I've sat in this bed at night and thought about it, the more convinced I become that it's the idea of becoming her husband, her becoming my wife, becoming that kind of family, that scares me. I've not had that kind of family since my parents and sisters died. The idea of them not being around to see this

January 22, 2187 – additional

I am so full of shit.

My parents would have welcomed Ash with open arms. My mother would have given her a long hug and fixed her dinner, and probably told her she needed to eat more. Dad would have listened with rapturous attention to her stories of her family and sisters. He always loved family stories. My sisters would have told her all kinds of embarrassing stories and treated her like one of them. Sitting back and crying in my beer about my family not being around for this is a dishonor to their memories. Ashley Madeline Williams would have fit my family like she'd been born to it, and there's no reason not to make her a part of it now.

Letting myself be afraid of this is a dishonor to Ash, too. She's always been honest with me. Always. Even when it was hurtful. She tells me frequently that she loves me, that she thanks God I survived and she can still hold me, that her dad would have loved me… I look into her eyes and see a ferocious intensity in them, and it's all love. She's fighting her battles for herself, I know that to be fact, but I see in her eyes that she knows that in her healing is security for us. Allowing this question to inspire fear diminishes her integrity, and she doesn't deserve that.

So, that tears it. I'm asking her.


End file.
